Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl, ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said, ‘NO!’
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Here are some random text that I received that were awesome:
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star…
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend’s twin last night…and he didn’t stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that’s not the point.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I’m buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me… then slapped my ass and told me “back to business”… im gonna marry him
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn’t have to give me a fake hotel room number
The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US – ruled by a dick.
I heard this the other day and thought it was kinda funny. The joke goes like this:
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
Hahahahaha!!!
Something just doesn’t look right in this picture. Can you guess what? Before you answer, click on the image to enlarge it.
And what the fuck are those two girls doing at a dump beach like that. The one girl with the big boobs is pretty hot though.
He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice “Well, just what are you doing?”
She said “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with no money!
eBay: ANATOMICALLY CORRECT ANDROGYNOUS PEAR (item 9525793319 end time Jun-04-06 14:15:49 PDT)
Hmmm… i wonder how much this will go for?
“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir,” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the God’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman. “BMW thinks of everything.”
True story, I swear.
So I had to wake up at 5 am this morning. No big deal right. Well seeing as I finally managed to doze off around 2am, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was supposed to do a double. Training in the morning [how to deal with mentally ill people in a proper fashion [more on that later]], and then my regular shift in the evening. I guess i’m just not accustomed to mornings anymore [I like to wake up b/w 12 & 1 everyday]. I felt like shit all morning and into the afternoon. I really felt like I was going to faint and possibly throw up [let's hope not at the same time]. Thankfully I was able to go home after the training. I still feel like shit but I do not have to sit on a ward and possibly be 
] for 8 hours.
Anyone hear any good jokes lately? I haven’t been running across any. Probably cause i’m too lazy to go look. I guess i’ll try and find one right quick…. Got one… And it sure as hell seems fitting for a state worker like myself.
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar – a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, “My God, I know who that man is. It’s Jesus!”
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman called out, “Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?” The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. “Yes, I am Jesus” he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him “I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.” So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles “thank you” and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, “Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?” Jesus smiles and says, “Yes, I am Jesus.” The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, “Oi, you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus, or what?” Jesus nods and says, “Yes, I am Jesus.” The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. “Oh God, the arthritis is gone,” he says. “The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone. It’s a miracle!”
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock. By jove, he exclaims, “The migraine I’ve had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!”
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face… “Fuck off, mate! I’m on workers comp!!”
“Borrowed” via Orsm.net, check him out. His shit seems more on point than mine. But come back, I get lonely sometimes.
Seems that’s all I have for now. My neck is starting to hurt so I guess i’ll go lay down. L8r suckers.
First midget says, “hay guys, I have really small hands, I bet I probably have the smallest hands in the world. As a matter of fact, I’m going to the Guinness book of world records office tomorrow to see if I hold the record”
Second midget goes “you know what, that’s a great idea, because I have small feet, probably the smallest feet in the world. I’ll go with you.”
Third midget says “hay fellas, since you’re going, I might as well have them look at my penis. Its tiny. Its smaller than an infants. I bet I hold the record for smallest penis.”
So the next day, the midgets go down to the World Record head quarters to see if they hold their perspective records.
Midget 1 goes in and comes out. He’s holding a trophy that says World’s smallest hands and has a smile on his face.
Midget 2 goes in and comes out. He’s holding a trophy too, and has a t-shirt that says world’s smallest feet.
Midget 3 goes in and it takes longer. The other two midgets are in the waiting room for an hour wondering what’s taking so long.
Finally the Midget 3 walks out, with a sad look on his face. The other two midgets go “what’s wrong man, did you get it, did you get the record?”
and Midget 3 replies “no… I didn’t get the record… and I wanna know who the fuck Marc Carmen is.”
“A diamond ring and a mercedes? why?” the guy answers ” well because if she didnt like the diamond ring, she could take it back in the mercedes.” the other guy goes “well my wifes birthday was 2 weeks ago” and the guy says “what did you get her?” He answers ” I got her flip flops and a dildo.” The other guy says “why flip flops and a dildo?” He answers “well if she didnt like the flip flops she can go fuck herself.”
Wow!”, I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”
She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge. “Yeah” I said, “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!”
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
“Anyway,” she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”
So I told her to fuck off.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
“Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” said the drunk.
“Do you still need a push?”
“Yes, please!”
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here… on the swing!”
They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter’s manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, “Surely you can’t be ready for more already?”
Sharon replies, “No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.