“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.”

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.”

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.”

“Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!”

Found some Mr. T shit also.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion’s tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T’s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80′s.

23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell’s jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don’t have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you’re dead no matter what.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T’s sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band “MR. MISTER” for stealing his first name.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T’s incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn’t have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T’s.

Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Sticks and stones may break your bones but Mr T. will also crush your internal organs.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both ‘deflower’ the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman’s uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kick.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don’t!

Mr. T doesn’t feel pain; pain feels Mr. T

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff’rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, “whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” Willis shit himself.

Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

Stumbled upon some Chuck Norris statements. We all know they are true. This is Chuck Norris we are talkin about.

1-Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

5- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

6- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7- Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

8- Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

9- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

11- Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

13- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

14- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

15- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

16- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

17- To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

18- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

19- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to “Fucking.”

20- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

21- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

22- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

23- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

24- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

25- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise, ” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

26- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

27- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

29- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

30- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

I wouldn’t have turned out the way I was if I didn’t have all those old-fashioned values to rebel against.

So that’s what we at Camp Digga decided to name the cat. He does all kinds of goofy shit. Most in particular, he jumps at us like he is the supafly. So we figured why not name him that. It seems fitting. Goddamn cat is all over the place. We can smell him coming tonight because his ass stinks like yesterday’s attends. I think its a contagious thing because the roommates cat’s ass always smells like… well the cats ass. I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I wonder if I can send him of so SoCal and have his brown eye bleached like one of them famous cats. I’ve heard rumors that Garfield bleached his a while back before doing that horrible movie. That orange nigga needs to stick to comics.

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.” A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

So I finally got a new job. It’s about goddamn time. Been waiting on this place to call me for oh about a year now. Guess my time on the list finally came. I get to live every New Yorkers dream. A state job. The long hours of doing as little as possible. The good pay [thanks taxpayers]. The vacations. And the benefits. Now I can get myself some real false teeth instead of those chicklets i’ve been using. Apparently white is a rare chicklet color. Yellow is the closest thing, so it just looks like someone has been pissing in my mouth all goddamn day.

It’s going to be hard leaving the piss industry. But I’m sure I’ll manage. They are giving me a piss colored fake rolex and a cup for the road at my going away party. Guess that’s how they treat the big dogs when it’s time to move on to greener pastures.

A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
– Dennis Miller

^ How true is that shit. Who wants to be working at McDigga’s at 35? Don’t the managers have to wear name tags also? I find that shit disturbing. Do I honestly need to know these people’s names? No. I do not give a fuck who made my burger. As long as it isn’t this guy. I’m sure he needs a job like alot of people, but not in the food industry. Maybe he could do well for himself in cambodia making designer clothing like Nike, Guess and Boss. We all know it’s made there by bums and children. Even child bums. So let’s just cut the malarky and get down to business already.

Well. I guess it’s time to go get laid. That or I have to sit here and drink goldschlager. We all know that shit isn’t happening. Remember what happened last time I drank that crap?

Digga, over and out.

The great mass of people… will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.

Strength lies not in defence but in attack

I can not be mistaken – what I say and do is historical.

I follow my life with the precision and security of a sleep walker

What luck for rulers that men don’t think

Nature is cruel; therefore we are also entitled to be cruel. When I send the flower of German youth into the steel hail of the war without feeling the slightest regret over the precious German blood that is being spilled, should I also not have the right to eliminate millions of an inferior race that multiply like vermin.

The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force.

The leader of genius must have the ability to make different opponents appear as if they belonged to one category.

Alcohol – the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Sport, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose… It’s how drunk you get.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

When the power of love conquers the love of power then the world will know peace.

Music makes me high on stage and that’s the truth, it’s like almost being addicted to music.

I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.

I used to live in a room full of mirrors; all I could see was me. I take my spirit and I crash my mirrors, now the whole world is here for me to see.

Sometimes you want to give up the guitar, you’ll hate the guitar. But if you stick with it, you’re gonna be rewarded.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

I’m so fast that last night I turned the light switch off in my bedroom and I was in bed before the room was dark.

I am the astronaut of boxing. Joe Louis and Dempsey were just jet pilots. I’m in a world of my own.